Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine