Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

Scream sneezers need love too.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”