Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Spider-cat: No One Home

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

That’s no pocket rocket.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.