Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

More like Kate Missington.

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

💀😭

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.