Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

*flirting poorly at the grocery store*

me: so do you eat food often?

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.