Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!