Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Just a reminder, folks:
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.