Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
see next tweet for some translations
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.