Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job