Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!

…..pretty much.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?