Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

happy valentine’s day to me

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

I hope this email finds you in a well

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*