Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

Rich People Podcasts are wild.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”