Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie