Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat