Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
