Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Blew my mind.

Don’t frighten the programmers!

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist