Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike