me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*