Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*