Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.