me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband