Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

and this one

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.