Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

stand with me against insufficient seating

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us