me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
This is so wrong 😂
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now