me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
You Might Also Like
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
just make the entire table out of coaster
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
My blood type is b hungry.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair