me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
what the
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.