Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
You Might Also Like
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows