Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
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THE AUDACITY. 😤
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
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.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.