Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.