Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
linkedin the good parts
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
