Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
