Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If a snake ate a cake
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
ready to be harvested
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish