@BastardProphet

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

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@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@adam_bloomquist

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

@ItsAndyRyan

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

@ShootyDoody

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@aPunch2theJunk

Ladies:

If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.

@PanicRestroom

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date