Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

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Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.


Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.


Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s


Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!


30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.



If a man approaches you and he’s wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still.

Their vision is based off movement.


I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date