Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.

Family: Puts on last night’s movie.

Me: Falls asleep.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.