Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Noah was an idiot.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do