Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
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It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
got so much cardio in today
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you