Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

grotesque if literal: baby food

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.