Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donating blood today to make room for more food

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

But that’s none of my business

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave