Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”