Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..