Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Meow
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?