Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
That’s no pocket rocket.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.