Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This forever.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.