Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Mountain Goat : )

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.