Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.