Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

i was dropped as an adult

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]