Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.