Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

I’m giving up ice.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*