Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

when nothing goes right… go left

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.