Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Saturday

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Scream sneezers need love too.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

eating my hot dog hamburger style

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.