Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

An odd boast

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.