Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Genius.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no