Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“