Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
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The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Watermelon Boss!
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.