Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.