Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
*3.5 thank you very much.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.