@ThisOneSayz

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

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@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@Karissajem

Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.

@Douchekevin

Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.