My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
Don’t mix your medication with alcohol she said and we laughed and laughed and laughed & then took turns operating operating heavy machinery
Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.