Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great