Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*