Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex