Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

I have never heard an armadillo before.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.