Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill