Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
all that yoga finally paid off
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?