Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically

me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.