Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…