Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Those are good neighbors.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Customer is always right