Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

#parenting

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

I unironically love this joke.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Breaking news:

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.