Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Best table by far
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?