Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*limbos away from your hug*
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
very niche meme I made
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.