I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.