Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Cannot stop laughing at this

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.