Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?

Do strangers call to pay my bills?

And if they do, why don’t you let them?

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

sry

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary