Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

first you must answer his riddles

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?