me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.