me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
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accurate
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
when someone compliments me
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why