Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Finally!

How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?

italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Them: You should try keto
Me:

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.