Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.