Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.