Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.