Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.