Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??