Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol