Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

new wife guy just dropped

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up